Chapter/ The Pickup

My mother’s voice nudges me out of an unreal place and time in dreamland.

“It’s time to wake up, Sweetie.” Before opening my eyes, I remember: Daddy is coming to get me. We’ll be spending the long weekend together at his house in Southampton. It’s been a long time since we’ve spent more than a day together. Not since last summer. I am nine, and have only known my parents as separate beings: our house, and Daddy’s house; our car, and Daddy’s car; her rules, and his. I’ve been careful to contain my excitement about this visit, afraid that he might cancel. Now, I’m bubbling inside. It’s coming true.

From my bed, I check the night sky out my window. It’s just as we planned, the starry black middle of the night. Mom’s faceless shape is a flat silhouette, backlit by the slip of light peeking around my bedroom door. “Wake up,” she repeats gently. “You have about half an hour before Daddy gets here.”

            “What time is it?” I ask, my arms and legs still stuck in a sleepy twist.

            “It’s four.  He said he’d be here right after he got off work.”

            “Did you listen?” I know she has long since broken the habit of monitoring Daddy on the radio, but maybe she’s checked on his timeline tonight.

            “No. I’m sure he’ll be on time,” she says with certainty.

We packed my bag and set my clothes out before going to bed, so getting ready is simple. We move through our usual morning routine, with Mom pushing me along, like she doesn’t trust me to get it all done. We share a quick and quiet breakfast of Rice Krispies, too early for our regular morning news shows. My mother sits in somber detachment, not her usual chatty self. I won’t be seeing her for four days, and she’s already come disconnected. The anticipation of Daddy’s arrival has her on edge.

“He should be here any minute,” she finally says. And on cue, the intercom buzzer rings. “You can get it.” She smiles, knowing how eager I am to see him. I run to the door, stretch on tiptoe to reach the intercom box, and answer.

            Talk button/ “Hello?”

Listen button/ “Hello! It’s your Daddy!”  His words ease across his warm, toothy smile.

Talk button/ “Hi Daddy! I’m ready!” I holler.

Listen button/ “Ok, ok. Buzz me in now,” he coaxes.

So I do. Then I listen for the telltale sounds of the lobby door closing behind him. The click of the latch. The trailing echo of hollow sound in the empty vestibule. Mom comes at me, flustered. “Go get your things. And make sure your toiletries make it into your bag.” I’m wide awake now, and look at her fully. I notice her outfit and am horrified.

“Mom! Your bathrobe! You’re not dressed!”

She glances toward her chest, down to her toes. “So?”

            “Daddy’s on his way up! He must be in the elevator already!” How can you greet him in your pajamas?!

            “He doesn’t care if I’m in my bathrobe,” she explains dryly, as if I should know. She’s not going to discuss it any further. Their relationship – or what’s left of it – is their business. Not mine.  They’ve each told me that. I hope that when I’m older, they’ll trust me with their stories. Because I find it hard to believe that they ever liked each other. They are as different as two adults can be. They have nothing in common. Except me.

I try to forget Mom’s bathrobe and slippers. In the bathroom, I check my own reflection, smooth some stray flyaway hairs, and square my shoulders. Pretty good, I think. Daddy will approve of this shirt, with the alligator logo, like the ones the big kids at school wear. He likes the preppy look. My jeans are crisp and new. Saved, from our last shopping trip, for just such an occasion.

I realize I’m hearing Daddy and Mom already exchanging hellos, so I hover, down the hall, out of sight.

            Hi, Clar. Punctual as always.

            Good morning. Sorry about the ungodly hour.

            Come on in. She’s just getting her bag.

            All right.

            Sweetie! Daddy’s here!

            Coming!

Standing by the door, Daddy’s hands are casually jammed into the front pockets of his blue blazer, unbuttoned over a crisp light yellow oxford shirt. He’s clean-shaven, wearing pleated khaki pants and black loafers with no pennies in the slots. As I run at him, he bends to receive me into his long, loving arms. He smells so good I pull my face into his soft ribcage and breathe him in, locking my hands together behind his back.

            “Hey, Melon Ball! You’re going to crush my lungs! When did you get so strong?” He asks, laughing.

            “She’s doing gymnastics. Her teacher says she has great upper body strength,” Mom answers.

            “I told him about gymnastics, Mom,” I mumble, with my face still pressed against Daddy’s torso. He takes me by the shoulders and forces me out in front of him. He takes a long look at me, the way most relatives do when they haven’t seen you for a while. He smiles his approval.

            “I like that shirt. The color’s very nice on you.”

            “Thanks, Daddy.” I beam. It’s going to be the most perfect visit. Four whole days, and no working in between. Just us, and the beach, and Bobo the dog. McDonald’s for dinner, and Entenmann’s chocolate doughnuts, and bologna sandwiches. And badminton, and Frisbee, and basketball in the driveway. We’ll stay up late watching scary movies, and maybe we’ll even go to the drive-in.

            “What time do you think you’ll be back Sunday?” Mom breaks in.

“Well, I have to be at work by five, so we’ll shoot for between three-thirty and four.”

“Wait. Sunday?” -  I’m stunned - “I don’t have school Monday. Aren’t we coming back Tuesday?”

“Oh, no,” says Mom. “You can’t miss school Tuesday. You’ll have to come back Sunday, and hang out with me on Monday.”

“Can’t I stay with Daddy? At least Monday?” Please don’t make me beg.

He chimes in, “I’m not coming into the city until Wednesday night. You’d have to miss school Tuesday. Mom says you can’t miss school.”

Daddy has let her decide, as usual. I’m scared to look at him. Scared that he’ll see how close I am to tears. I don’t want to look like a crybaby. I can’t make eye contact with Mom either. This is her fault. So I look at the door, and I wish I could become invisible and run straight through it, far away from this.

“Come on, baby. Don’t look so sad. We’ll have a great time,” Daddy says. “I

have a surprise for you in the car. I promise, it’s going to be a great weekend.”

Mom isn’t backing down. “I’m sorry you’re upset. I thought you understood the plan. You know you can’t miss school.”

Our “perfect visit” is already cut short. I don’t care what the surprise is. There won’t be time to do all the things I imagined. And Monday, I’ll have to sit around the apartment with Mom, instead of being out at the beach with Daddy. The school year is almost over, and this holiday weekend is supposed to be the start of something grand. There will be lots of weekends at the beach this summer. It’s going to be great. So I have to be cool, or the invitations won’t come. I have to be sensible and not blow it. Be agreeable, so he doesn’t get upset. He won’t make the effort if I’m a pain.

Daddy picks up my bag, stuffed with two days’ too many clothes, and reaches his free hand toward the door. “Let’s get going. No sense standing around being upset.”

            “I’m ok, Daddy. I’m just really happy you came.” I smile. I want to hug him again but he’s already halfway out the door. He calls over his shoulder at Mom, “We’ll see you Sunday,” just as she’s bending down to kiss me. I give her a quick hug around the neck, then grab Daddy’s arm and follow him out. As the door clanks shut, Mom’s voice calls “Bye,” behind us.

            We ring for the elevator and wait, me still holding onto Daddy’s arm, and him still holding onto my overnight bag. The hum of the elevator approaches, then swallows us down. Nineteen stories is a long descent; over a minute, by my calculations. A long time to stand in uncomfortable silence with your beloved Daddy. I’m grateful when he speaks.

            “Do you remember that I said I have a surprise for you in the car?”

            “Yes,” I answer shyly.

            “Well, it’s Ara. She’s so excited to see you again.” He doesn’t seem to comprehend the burn of this announcement.

I smile, because I know I should. But inside I am crumbling. It’s clear that his girlfriend Ara will be spending the weekend with us. She will come between us, and dance around us, and distract Daddy’s attention and affection as only a girlfriend can. My knees lock as the elevator door opens. Daddy drapes a heavy arm around my shoulder and leads me out into the lobby, and out to his car. To Ara, smiling and waving.

Spring's Holy Days

THE EASTER BUNNY IS COMING TO THE MALL!!

Much like Santa’s December descent, the occasion draws long lines of children smaller and more innocent than mine to be channeled through the velvet ropes, pretty and primed. The Paas dye kits are overflowing the seasonal aisle at the supermarket, while the Manischewitz products stand proud among the ethnic foods. And I am stuck in the semi-annual quagmire known as Commercialized Christian Holiday vs. Solemn Jewish Observances. It happens in April, just like it does in December. And this year, spring’s holy days are right on top of each other. There’s no time to buffer between Easter and Passover, complicating for our kids exactly what it’s all about, and whether or why we do or don’t really celebrate some and not all of it.

I confess there have been times when I wish I had grown up with some religion. Just something to sink my teeth into. Someone, other than my family and teachers, on whom I could rely for supernatural assistance. My mother the scientist came to believe in a higher power at some point in her adult life, but I’m unsure what relation that power has to the Judeo-Christian God. Raised among atheists and anarchists on a commune in upstate New York, she’s not into Jesus. I know that. She’s never belonged to a church or a synagogue, though she enjoyed taking me to friends’ bar and bat mitzvahs, and since she’s become the Jewish grandmother of Jewish children, she looks forward to Passover and Hanukah. She and I are Jewish through the maternal bloodline, as prescribed by Jewish law. But we’ve always celebrated Christmas together. We never owned a menorah.

Not until I married my Jewish husband.

My childhood memories of Easter candy and Christmas trees are not the stuff of his youth. But we’ve managed to weave them into the modern texture of our family. “My Granny Flo is rolling in her grave,” he says, smiling to soften the truth of it, as if I’m forcing our children into shameful practices. We do it all. The seder, the Easter baskets, the menorah and the tree. Our children are accustomed to our light holiday lecture: “Our family is large and diverse. Different people have different beliefs and different traditions, and we’re lucky that we can honor them all.” Our girls, ages eight and six, seem to get it. Unlike most of their friends, they still believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy. They seem to believe everything we tell them.

The other day, in the car, my older daughter asked me, “So who came up with all this Easter stuff?”

She meant the eggs, the candy, and the visit from the bunny. I told them the strange and gruesome story of “that man Jesus Christ, from the Bible”: “You know that these stories are very important to a lot of people, right? Well…”   

They didn’t like the part about the crucifixion. Nor did they accept the idea of the immaculate conception. I think the resurrection was more information than they could process. So I guess they’re where I want them to be with regard to religion. But I have to ask myself a whole lot of questions, and wonder if my mother had them too: Will they flounder in the atheist’s quagmire when they get older? What meaning will our mixed bag of holiday customs hold for them as they mature? Will any of it comfort them when we’re gone?  Will nostalgia be enough?

The Step Dance Kid

It’s been a couple of weeks since I first read about Drew Lovejoy. 
I can’t shake an almost maternal feeling of pride: There goes another one of us, quietly ascending to peak performance. If you haven’t seen or heard of Drew Lovejoy, he’s worth a google. Drew is the seventeen-year-old Irish Step Dance World Champion. He happens to be biracial, born in Indiana and now living in rural Ohio. He also happens to be Jewish. This is the third consecutive year that Drew has won the World Champion title. He is the only non-white contestant to ever win the title.

Watching him dance in any number of YouTube appearances, it’s impossible to ignore how much he stands out among his predominantly female, entirely white step dancing peers.

I think of my own short-lived dance world aspirations, as a young student at the Dance Theater of Harlem: my not being dark enough to be black, according to my classmates. The tap teacher often positioned me in the first row, so the others could follow my lead, but I was an unpopular outlier in the changing room. Being the best wasn't enough to keep me there. As much as I enjoyed the challenges of dance, not fitting in wore me down.

I’m not the biggest fan of Irish Step Dance. I can’t even say that I enjoy the form. It doesn’t stir me. But I look at Drew Lovejoy, and his story blows me away. Like Tiger Woods, he has accomplished so much more than the obvious athletic achievement. Living in rural Ohio, he claims to have experienced overt racism more than once. So he doesn’t walk his dog after dark.  

But he sure does dance in the light.

(photo courtesy of jspace.com)

Rocky Mountain High

Our family recently returned from spending mid-winter break in Aspen, Colorado.

We had a great time. The girls skied, I skied, and my husband’s family, whom we were visiting, skied like the seasoned experts they are. The mountains were breathtakingly beautiful, as they are at any time of year. This year’s record-low snowfall has caused disappointing ski conditions: no five-foot base this year. But the mountains’ majesty inspires awe nonetheless.

I always feel a little out of place in Colorado.

I’m a city girl from back east. I don’t ski with confidence. And I could have told you that the African American population in the state of Colorado is under 10% without looking it up; in fact, it’s 4%. In Aspen, it’s 0.8% of a population of 6,658 people. In other words, it’s pretty typical to walk around Aspen and not see any black people.

Then there’s my John Denver problem:

I did not grow up enjoying the music of John Denver.

Lyrics like, “Country road/ take me home/ to the place I belong/ West Virginia/ Mountain Mama/ take me home down country roads” were a huge turn-off to this urban-grown brown girl. West Virginia made me nervous. The state’s history of racism was enough to give me nightmares. I associated John Denver with those scary thoughts, because it sounded to me like West Virginia was his beloved home. Hence, I figured that Denver, Colorado must be a scary place too. John Denver; Denver, Colorado; West Virginia: all scary and definitely not for me. That’s what I figured, growing up.

John Denver made a guest appearance on the Muppet Show once, and that got me thinking that maybe he wasn’t a bad guy after all. I knew the reputation of Jim Henson and the Sesame Street organization to be pretty “modern” in their approach. And I knew that grown-ups could change their politics over time. So John Denver scored a few coolness points by appearing on the Muppet Show, but I remained frightened of West Virginia, and Denver, Colorado, certain they were both teeming with redneck lynch mobs.

Fast forward to my freshman year of college, when I made a new friend who happened to be from Colorado. A Jew from Colorado. I assumed his family must be living in cognito among the cowboys. I discovered that he was from Aspen. Well! Some of my childhood schoolmates had been from enormously wealthy families, and they spoke of Aspen like it was the most exclusive, most fabulous, most expensive vacation destination on the planet. So I drew some pretty judgmental conclusions about my new friend and his family. He explained that the Aspen of his youth was undeveloped big sky country, populated by sprawling ranches and earthy ski bums. But I still had trouble discounting the notion of Beverly Hills transplanted to the Rockies.

In a strange twist of fate, I married my college friend from Aspen, Colorado.

Now, Aspen is a place where family congregates. And I am getting to know the place. 

Over the past ten years, I’ve been watching her grow, and shrink, and change.

I used to get excited when we had an Ed Bradley sighting (yes, the 60 Minutes Ed Bradley) at the supermarket. Then Oprah bought a house there, followed by Will and Jada Smith. There are some huuuuuge corporate houses there, and some sports teams have houses in Aspen – don’t ask me how that works. The point is, it’s a lot less homogeneous than it was even ten years ago.

During this last trip, our family encountered another multiracial family, right there on the ski slopes. Honestly, I almost fell over from the shock. They weren’t flashy, or glitzy, or “Aspen-y” in any way. They were quiet and casual, like us. Signing their little brown girl up for ski lessons, just like us.

I had to recognize that my John Denver bias was from another era.

Little brown girls are everywhere!

Don Cornelius RIP

(photo courtesy of SoulTrain.com)

 My babysitter Renee watched Soul Train with a zealot’s devotion. She turned me on to it, and Baby, did it open my eyes.

Don Cornelius, the show’s producer and host, died at the age of 75 last week. He said “Baby” a lot. He was the only TV host I ever heard address his guests and his audience members as “Baby”. Renee’s mother called me Baby. My father’s parents called me Baby. My father called me Babygirl sometimes. I figured it must have been a black thing.

(photo courtesy of SoulTrain.com)

As a brown girl being raised by a white mother who insisted that I was black, in a culture that insisted that I was black, I was on the lookout for clues about “black things”. My own black father was not trying to expose me to my black heritage, ever. The dilapidated state of Harlem was an embarrassment to him. He had some choice words for Don Cornelius, whose style and lingo fell short of his own professional standards: “pimp” and “jive turkey” his most common epithets.

Don Cornelius and his afro-licious bellbottomed booty-shakin’ dancers looked like they could teach me a black thing or two. Renee taught me how to emulate the moves; we studied variations of the hustle and the electric slide until we knew them cold. The music was infectious! So different from the stuff Mom listened to at home: Thelonious Monk, Coltrane, Billie Holiday and Miles were moody, intellectual, demanding. Don Cornelius played funky, happy music. It was uplifting, high energy, make ya wanna dance music, Baby!

Soul Train offered a beautiful view of Black Americana  - a tantalizing taste of that black thing I was missing. I felt an instant connection to those pretty brown faces, smiling and dancing en masse – celebrating themselves. It’s easy to forget the impact of those old images.

Our Holiday

When I was a kid, we spoke of him with great reverence, his full title in tact: Reverend Doctor Martin Luther King, Junior. His legacy was fresh then. Our way of life was the immediate product of his life’s work. He was a hero of our time.

When my parents married, their interracial union was still illegal in some of our United States. Here in New York, my father reported the latest developments of the Civil Rights Movement on WWRL, the city’s Colored radio station. He landed a jailhouse phone interview with the great man himself, the Reverend Doctor King, all in the line of duty.

Martin Luther King, as my kids casually call him, was our martyr.

For that he got a holiday.

On Monday morning, we began our observances in our pajamas, ensconced in Pink Panther cartoons and the weekend’s New York Times. I heard my maternal self assert the importance of his work – his legacy – to my children:

“You guys remember why Martin Luther King is so important, right?”

Yes, Mommy. He made it OK for black people and white people to be equal.

“He devoted his life to bringing about that very important change.”

Yes, Mommy.

“Well, you know how we have all these holidays from school? The religious holidays, and the three-day weekends?”

Uh-huh.

“For our family, this holiday – Martin Luther King’s birthday - is the most relevant holiday of all. You understand that, right?” Relevant. Good word. Do they know what I mean?

Because we’re black and white.

“That’s right.” We are black and white. And last weekend, when we celebrated Daddy’s friend’s 50^th birthday, and we three and a Latino bartender were the only brown people in the room, it was all right. We were welcomed into the restaurant by a smiling white hostess, and we shared the dishes and the bathroom same as everyone else. We had a fine time, all of us mixing it up. There was nothing strange about it. 

My girls are surprised by my need to explain. This is how we live.

THANK YOU, DOCTOR KING.

Moved

Our family just moved.

We landed in our new house full of boxes on the first night of Hanukah, four days before Christmas. That’s my explanation for not having posted in a long while. November dutifully marked the onset of the Holiday Season. This year, it also marked the onset of what we called The Big Purge: Throwing out and giving away a lot of extraneous personal belongings; Cleaning out file cabinets that hadn’t been undone in many years; Exorcising bottomless junk drawers; Sorting through an attic filled with baby gear that no one in our family will be putting to use any time soon. We had a lot of packing to do, so the purge came first. I thought I would be inspired to write, as I unearthed forgotten treasures, sleep-deprived and eye-high in to-do lists. But it didn’t happen. I convinced myself I didn’t have the time or energy to write.

Moving day was a twelve-hour marathon of packing, crying, consoling, and admiring the super-human endurance of eight undereducated demi-gods who did, in fact, leap small buildings in a single bound – over and over and over again, laden with impossibly heavy loads, without complaint. We forgot to light the menorah, neglected to play dreidel, and failed to fry up any latkes because Chinese food was a whole lot easier. Our youngest daughter packed some things in a shopping bag before bed, threatening to move back home. We loved our old house.

Nearly three weeks in, we are enjoying our new house. I think we will love it soon. The girls don’t talk about moving back any more. They have settled into a rhythm here, now that school is back in session and they have their geographical bearings. This new house is big. Our old house was big for us, when we first moved in. Before children, three bedrooms seemed like a huge amount of space. Complete with three acres of untouched woodland, it was our own small country.

Now we are townies, with a big yard. And this new, bigger house seems immense. I am told I’ll appreciate all the space when the girls hit their teen years. I think back to my own, sullen teens, in the two-bedroom apartment I shared with my mother and an ornery cat. It was plenty of space for us. The math doesn’t add up: do four people and one aging dog need so much more space? I can’t help but question our priorities. “Bigger is Better” was not a slogan of my youth. I was brought up with “No Nukes” and “Zero Population Growth” and “Fight the Power”.  I want our girls to be conscientious citizens of the world. It’s a struggle.

We’ve been here almost three weeks and we’re still surrounded by boxes. The holidays brought new stuff, to complement the old stuff, which we haven’t completely unpacked. We’re living very comfortably. So I have to wonder: What is in all these boxes?

I have a dedicated office in the new house. That’s the big bonus. A room of my own. Currently uninhabitable, filled with boxes of family photos, reference books, precious printouts from Ancestry.com, and my preferred computer, still hibernating since the move. I imagine doing serious work in my new office. The manuscript will get done there. I will fight distraction with a new vigor.

I’ve been up since 3:30 am, debating whether to get up and write. Or should I unpack boxes? 

Cain v. Thomas

I've been wanting to post something meaningful about Anita Hill, in recognition of her twentieth year as a survivor of the Clarence Thomas hearings. I thought I would do some research first, so the piece would have some meat to it, beyond my own very subjective ranting. I thought I would read her book. Have you read it? I haven't gotten to it yet. So you see, I'm not quite ready to write something meaty about Anita Hill. But I've been thinking about her story, and all the events our country has withstood since then. I wonder... if her race were different, or if Thomas' race were different, how would that have changed - everything? I wonder if we had had a black President in office, how would that have effected - everything? By everything, I mean the trial; our national conversation about the trial; the bumper stickers that said, "I Believe You, Anita", as if a sane, educated woman would voluntarily humiliate herself, derail her successful career, and spend months under excruciating public scrutiny for the sake of telling a lie. With everything to lose and nothing to gain except the hope of maintaining some self respect, how could anyone believe she was lying?

Well, Clarence Thomas' wife thought she was lying. And she's clearly a great judge of character.

As I keep circling back to my need to write something meaty about Anita Hill, I ask myself, What will my angle be? My first thought: How would such a trial play out now, with a black President in office? How would the media coverage differ? What new kind of discomfort would such a spectacle raise?

Hey, kids! I think we're about to find out!

Herman Cain is the Republican party's black presidential candidate, with his revolutionary tax plan and rags-to-riches, American Dream life story. Now, a string of sexual harassment accusations has him center-stage. He suddenly has his first, named accuser. The fourth in a series, this lady's gone public. She has provided clear details about his methods, forcing dirty thoughts on anyone within earshot. Of course, Cain's wife of forty-four years says she knows him better than anyone, and he wouldn't do "something so silly", not like that.

Wow. I'm stuck with visions of Anita Hill describing a pubic hair on the rim of a Coke can. I'm recalling emphatic denials about a flowered dress stained with semen - wrong guy, I know. Wrong outcome too.

I'm watching:  How will we judge Herman Cain? How will we judge his accusers? How far will the race card be tossed?  How much have we learned in twenty years, Anita?

Broadway Flashback

(photo courtesy of TonyAwards.com)

My mother took me to see the wizard when I was 7. The Wiz, that is. The Wiz hit Broadway in 1975.  The show was a Black version of the very famous Frank L. Baum story, The Wizard of Oz. In this adaptation Dorothy was played by a young Stephanie Mills; Hinton Battle played the tap-dancing Tin Man; the entire cast was black and beautiful, sanctified on the Great White Way. The singing was joyous. The dancing was ebullient. The costumes were a rainbow of fiery hues that electrified the soft glow of all that brown skin. I was enthralled.

When the show ended, I sat frozen in my seat. Surrounded by the raucous applause of a standing ovation, I was paralyzed. As the house lights came up full, and people started to slither past us, my mother tried to ease me out of my altered state.

“Oh, wasn’t that wonderful? But we should get going. Come on, Sweetie.” I didn’t move. Or respond. She must have thought I was tired. Her tone was gentle, like our morning wake-up routine. “Really. Let’s go. It’s late,” she urged. But I didn’t budge, so she sat back down. Irritability and concern comingled in her plea: “Sweetie, we have to get going. Are you OK?”

Then I answered: “I’m not leaving.”

I meant it. I remember my determination to stay. That theater had filled me up with something unimaginably delicious. I couldn’t name it, for my mother or for myself. But the experience of being in that theater for that show had transformed me. And I was not willing to leave it behind. I couldn’t go back to life the way it had been before, as if that world didn’t exist.

“What do you mean, you’re not leaving?”

“I’m staying. Right here. Forever.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. We can’t stay,” she insisted.

We both saw the usher approaching, heading straight for us. We were the only seated patrons left in the theater. His face was soft, middle-aged and pale. But he was friendly, not gruff. He asked if anything was wrong. I was too shy and too dazed to attempt an explanation. My mother tried to defuse his concern. “My daughter is having a hard time leaving. She had such a wonderful time. We just don’t want it to end!” she said nervously. But he saw my state – maybe he’d seen it before. I started to cry. I had no words to offer. The usher stepped in. “Well, ladies. It’s getting late, and the theater is closed. The whole place will go dark in a few minutes… wait here a moment. I’ll be right back.” In his absence, my mother accused me of acting impossible, outrageous, insane. Her patience was lost, and I showed no sign of coming around.

Then the usher returned with a record in his hand. The cast album of The Wiz, shrink-wrapped and brand new. He held it out to me. “Maybe you’d like to have this?” he offered. The album snapped me back to reality. Yes, it would be enough. I knew I couldn’t stay in the theater forever. But I would survive the loss if I could take the show home with me. “Yes, thank you,” I smiled, and took the record from him. My mother thanked him too. “You are an angel and a genius.” She asked him how much she owed him but he wouldn’t take her money. We both thanked him again, gathered our coats, and caught the subway back to the Bronx, each of us in private contemplation of what strange force had snagged us.

Fast forward thirty-some years to a bigger, brighter, more over-populated Broadway. My husband and I took our girls to see Mary Poppins last weekend, in celebration of our little one’s sixth birthday – an outing that easily cost twice as much as a lavish party would have. The show was laced with Broadway magic, and kept our girls’ attention rapt for the full two hours and forty-five minutes. The grand finale was spectacular. Little faces all around us stood agape and wide-eyed. And me? Well, I don’t like musicals much. I prefer live music for music’s sake, without all the theatrics, and theater for drama’s sake, without all the corny lyrics. But I cried at Mary Poppins, just a little. For the thrill in our girls’ eyes; for their sweet innocence;

for the fantasy and the magic. 

I don’t know if the girls loved the show as much as we had hoped they would. They have pretty good taste. So I’m holding onto hope that each of them will experience the transformative power of art first-hand, some time, and that the memory stays with them forever. 

September, You Were Cruel

It's been five weeks since my last post.
Am I becoming one of those twenty-million bloggers who start off strong, posting a couple of times a week, making huge sacrifices of time and social connectivity so they can hole up and get some writing done, as if their life depends on it.... only to lose interest six months in?

I am guilty of losing interest in projects. But not the writing.
I love writing. I love playing with words. I am not the writer who stares at the page, or the screen, or the wall, or the sky, wondering where the inspiration will come from and when. My problem is time. I am scrambling. Whenever I'm asked, "Can I help?" I answer: "Sure, can you add five hours to every day? Waking hours would be ideal, but sleeping hours would be fine too." I swear, I haven't lost interest. It's been a time issue.

September kicked my ass.
Because we are two years into a nine-month house renovation. Seriously. In fairness, it's a house restoration, which is a ball of wax I really shouldn't go into here. Suffice it to say, it's been a major front-burner distraction for a long time. And we thought - well, I tried to insist - that we would be all done and moved in before the start of the school year. So I made a lot of real commitments, all commencing in early September, because I planned to have our lives back. STUPID GIRL!

September was the month that I posted nothing.
I did make some nice lists of writing topics. The New York Times has reliably offered numerous topics for dissection, including 1. the band Fishbone; 2. the legacy (and new memoir) of Anita Hill; and 3. the new book by Toure', Who's Afraid of Post-Blackness? What It Means To Be Black Now.  Even our contractor on the house project has offered great fodder for this blog. It's all on my to-do list.

Here we are, in October.
If you're reading this, I guess you haven't given up on me. Thank you! I am not lost. This blog is not forgotten. I have my list of topics and I'm gonna use it. I mean, Anita Hill!? A browngirl could fill volumes with that rant alone.

Here's to getting it done.

Summer Camp

Summer is almost over.

Those of us with school-age children are preparing for a major transition. The extended dance remix of bedtime is winding down. Our alarm clock will revert to its mercilessly timeworn 5:45 AM setting. All of our clocks will lock into the tightly scheduled structure of the School Year.

Our summer of anarchy sheds new light on my mother’s choice to send me to sleep-away camp the summer I turned six. I liked the idea of going to camp, and spending the night(s) there. She didn’t have to work hard to convince me that camp would be more fun than hanging out at home all summer. It was a classic, “old school” co-ed camp in the country, with swimming, arts and crafts, tennis, campfires and sing-alongs. And Shabbat service every Friday night. In clean white shirts. Four weeks of Fridays, with their completely unfamiliar rituals of challah bread and candles and prayers to God in foreign tongues. At 5-and-11/12ths, I had been raised an atheist, among  people of many faiths, none of whom behaved as observant Jews in my presence. We had friends and relatives who celebrated Hanukah instead of Christmas, but I had no sense of any Jewish traditions or rituals, or bible references, or Hebrew.

I guess my mother thought it would be good for me to have some exposure to our Jewish heritage. She had read the brochure. But I had no idea what I was in for. We packed “nice white shirts”, along with all the shorts, halter tops and tennis peds with our nametags sewn in, and shipped them ahead in a steamer trunk purchased at the local Army & Navy store. Those white shirts got hangers in our bunk closet, while everything else was shoved into cubbies. My shirts were not as plain as everyone else’s. My idea of “nice” was “fancy”, with lace bits and pearly buttons. So my shirts stood out. Along with the rest of me.

I was one of the youngest kids at camp. And one of the darkest. There were a couple of very dark-skinned girls in much older bunks. Too old for me to connect with in any way. They appeared to be well liked by other girls their age, and fell right in line with the Shabbat exercise. In amongst a few hundred savvy New York kids, I was the new little girl who isn’t even Jewish. I didn’t look the part. I didn’t act the part. I mumbled along with the prayers, and hoped no one would single me out for any candle lighting or bread breaking. Fridays were torture. In truth, they’re all I remember about that camp.  I don’t remember any of the kids being unkind, or the counselors mistreating me in any way. And I don’t remember having made any friends there either. It’s a blur, except for that sea of white shirts, in the soft glow of candlelight, mumbling and praying to God over shiny, puffy, braided loaves of bread.

Mom and I spent the following summer together in a bungalow in the Catskills. And after that, we found an amazing, small, artsy, back-to-nature summer camp up in Maine, where I finally found the ideal respite from the city, and the structured school year, and the hot, sticky doldrums of the Bronx in summertime. And my mother, confident that I was happy and secure, was able to spend her summers traveling, and teaching part-time if she felt like it, and doing whatever single parents do when they find themselves able to focus on themselves for a change.

As a married mother of two pretty easy-going kids, with a husband who helps a lot with the child-rearing, I feel guilty paying a babysitter to watch the girls for a few hours at the pool, so that I may sit here in solitude and get this post done. But it’s late August, and I’ve been up to my eyeballs in kid-friendly activities most days, for weeks now. And my girls say they aren’t ready for sleep-away camp just yet. "Maybe next year, Mommy."

Maybe I should start researching now.

Still Talkin' 'Bout Race

Lately I notice a lot of comments from people who are tired of everyone talking about race. “Can’t we just get past the race thing?” they ask. “Are we really still talking about race?”

Uh, yes we are, and no we can’t, to answer in reverse order.

It’s comfy and convenient to not talk about race. But the race topic is cleverly disguised as the racism topic. And that monster isn’t going anywhere unless it is consciously and deliberately addressed. It’s a national topic, a global topic, a neighborhood topic, and a schoolyard topic.

The schoolyard is what got my family talking about race. I know from my future-star-reporter daughter that she and her peers compare skin tones and genealogy during recess. A social studies unit on slavery, and another on The Settlers vs. The Indians, got the ball rolling. Suddenly they were talking about race, and who’s darker than whom. She loyally reported her findings – what everyone said, verbatim – as if she and her friends were the first bunch of kids to ever go down that path.

So I wonder if the people who don’t feel the need to talk about race perhaps don’t have children. My own super-liberal pre-children life had very little need for the mention of race. People I hung out with were accustomed to the company of a multi-culti crowd. Living in New York and San Francisco, I was comfortably positioned in the broadest race spectra on the planet. Most of my friends from that era registered fashion and music as labeling identifiers, more than anyone’s racial background. So race didn’t come up, and it didn’t seem to matter. But now that I have children, who have endless questions as well as delicate little egos, I feel the need to talk with them as frankly as I can about race, and about who they are.

For those of us whose families are multiracial, race is always a topic. For most of us, it’s been out in the open since we can remember, either as a quiet constant or a blazing flare, or something in between. What amazes me is how different every multiracial upbringing is. The parents each bring their own histories and attitudes to the mix, and the grandparents and extended families have enormous influence on who we relate to, and who we’re most comfortable with, both inside the family and out in the world. Contemporary memoirs and novels, as well as those going back to the early 1800's, document the diversity of our lives, and are invaluable learning tools for all of us.

As a multiracial person raising curious, inquisitive children, I don’t have the luxury to not talk about race. I’m not feeling the need to stand on a soapbox and shout about it, but the talking and the writing are not going away.

If we’re not talking about race, and a racially motivated incident occurs, we react with shock and horror. But if we’re consciously living with racial awareness, then we’re better equipped to confront and combat racist acts. The end goal is to live peacefully and respectfully, with ourselves and with each other. Right?

Changing Gray

I have two daughters.

L is eight. She has my complexion, but her features more closely resemble her father’s. She could easily pass for Indian. Her sister, E, is almost six. She has her father’s lighter skin color, and which of us she looks like is debatable. I say me. L is cautious, scary-smart, and very considerate of her sister, and everyone. E is also very bright, in a secret weapon way. She’s silly and cuddly and decidedly colors outside the lines.

Bedtime and dinnertime are family discussion times.

Sometimes skin color makes its way into our conversations. We all know people of all different colors, and E in particular likes to mention what color people are. Ever the observant artist. Her basic qualifiers are: superdark; mediumdark; lightish brownish; peachy white; superwhite. We all use these terms, as they’ve developed over time in casual family usage. L started it when she was little, innocently describing the difference between her skin and Daddy’s, and the similarity to mine. Which led to my describing the greater difference between my father’s skin color and my mother’s. You get it.

L suddenly started to use the term Black this year.

The topic of slavery came up at school, and brought Black and White with it.

Shortly thereafter, her best friend and classmate, who is black, asked my husband directly if he was white. To which he answered yes. This came up at dinnertime, and thus the shift from our insular code of color qualifiers toward mainstream race labeling. Innocence lost.

The other night at dinner, E declared that she was gray.

And she laughed and laughed. She caught us a little off guard, as her sense of humor often does. But I knew exactly what she meant. I had the same thought myself, when I was small. If my mother is white, and my father is black, that must make me gray.  But it didn’t strike me as hysterically funny at the time. It didn’t even feel like information I wanted to share. Gray seemed like a sad color. It was a washed out version of the two colors it came from. I do remember feeling gray, like that.

So I asked E what color I was. She thought a minute, then shrieked, “You’re gray too, Mommy. Like me! And so is L!” How could I not be happy to be in her gray club? My daughters and I shared a giggle. And my husband? “What about Daddy? What color is he?” I asked.  “Oh, he’s just peachy white,” said E. Her father pouted out his lower lip, dejected. An honorary member of our club.

Asbury Park R.I.P.

 (photo courtesy NYT/Assoc. Press)

I was never a Bruce Springsteen fan.

When he first became popular, I was a bit young for his message. The people around me who did like him were much older than me - they were the older siblings of my babysitters,  even their parents - and they were the same  people who were into Led Zeppelin, Bob Dylan, the Stones, or they listened to Richie Havens, Josh White, Joan Baez... There was some overlap in these two camps of Bruce fans. And I don't mean to imply that there was a racial divide in any way. It was a matter of taste, and age.  My parents were heavily into jazz, of the be-bop variety. So my music appreciation started there. My exposure and interest in pop music started when I was about nine, and went like this:

The Jackson 5's first album; the Saturday Night Fever movie soundtrack; The Eagles' "The Long Run"; Blondie's first album; Cheap Trick's "Live at Budokan"; Elvis Costello's "My Aim is True"; The Specials' self-titled debut; X-ray Spex "Germfree Adolescents". The Sex Pistols and The Clash exploded my little brain. I fell into old Jamaican ska, American and British mod music from the 60's, old R&B, 70's funk, and even embraced the early hip-hop sounds of the Eighties alongside New Wave and later "alternative rock". The appeal of Bruce Springsteen eluded me. Maybe because he reminded me a lot of people I knew and didn't like. Or maybe it was because the kids I knew who really liked him happened to be meat-heads. Maybe it was because his big hits had huge saxophone parts that really turned me off.

Clarence Clemons was Bruce's beloved saxophone player for over thirty years. 

I'm no expert on their relationship, professional or personal. But several knowledgeable sources wrote fondly of his great contributions to Springsteen's legacy, when "The Big Man" died last month at age 69. Jon Pareles wrote for the New York Times, in his piece "The Big Man, Much More Than Springsteen's Sideman": "Mr. Clemmons' presence declared rock's black heritage was shared, not plundered."

And I thought, "Really? He always seemed like the token black dude up on stage with Bruce."  So I stopped to check  myself.

First, I don't know a lot of Springsteen songs. Probably because I don't know a lot of Springsteen fans. But now, in my forties, I do know a few hard-core Bruce lovers, and they're smart, good, righteous folks. And I'm not the anti-establishmentarian punk-rock kid I once was. So I read Pareles' article with an open mind. His point was to highlight the deep admiration Bruce had for Clemons, as a fellow musician, close friend, and muse. Pareles extols their partnership, placing Clemons' musical contribution to Springsteen's sound, and live show, on a pedestal right beside Bruce, front and center. Honoring the historical context of saxophone soliloquies in early rock and roll, specifically the black flavor of Clemons' playing.

On the surface, Bruce looked like a lot of guys from my old neighborhood in the Bronx: blue collar white dudes who grew up listening to Chuck Berry records, and eventually the Stones, but who never had a black friend, and who tossed "nigger" around in casual conversation because no one they knew would object. My own bias made it easier to believe the old Brit rockers' love of American black music, than to recognize the same admiration in a Jersey boy.

I have been to the infamous rock club that launched the E Street Band, two times: The Stone Pony is a dive bar in the quiet, beach-front, working class town of Asbury Park, New Jersey. I hear it's undergone some improvements since my last visit, fifteen years ago.  I was there for work, road managing bands whose agents booked them there for the nostalgia and for the avid music fans who frequent the place. The audiences were strictly monochromatic, straight out of an MTV rock video circa 1987. Leather jackets, big hair, bad tattoos, wrong decade. It was exactly as I had expected, a close cousin to my old Bronx neighborhood. Confirming my assumptions about Asbury Park, and Bruce.

Those assumptions were confounded by a simple fact I learned earlier this year: that my paternal grandfather, who was black and whose first name happened to be Clarence, was born and raised in Asbury Park. As was his father. My beloved grandfather, who lived in Harlem, NY as long as I knew him, had his roots in the land of Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band.

This new bit of knowledge demands further research, and less prejudice on my part. 

I can hear the authenticity of Bruce Springsteen's band. My eyes - and ears - are open wide.  

Checking Those Boxes

Kids are taking off for college in a few short months. Not ours, not for a long while. But I have heard a lot of talk, from fellow parents, about the trials of the college admissions process. The anxieties shared by students and parents alike, about GPAs, SATs, APs, along with proper documentation of volunteer work hours, achievements in extracurricular activities, trophies and scholarships, awards and citations. How to prepare and produce the perfect admissions essay. What to share, and what to omit.

The New York Times ran a Race Remixed piece last week: “On College Forms, a Question Of Race, or Races, Can Perplex.”

Yes, I know.

All those beleaguered multicultural kids applying to colleges have to formally qualify their racial identities, in the throes of the most pressurized experience of their young lives. They are craving approval, marketing their own self-worth, trying to stand out in a faceless crowd. Some may deliberately manipulate the facts of their genealogy in order to tip the Affirmative Action scales in their favor. The article says it all – so I’ll share my own dated experience.

I applied to colleges in 1985. I remember toiling over applications at my mother’s cluttered desk, in her private office at the Fashion Institute of Technology. She was the Chairperson of the Science and Math Department, with a state-of-the-art IBM Selectric typewriter available for my use. The “delete” key never fully erased errant letters, so I took pains to compose and correct my essays by hand, on paper with pen, before sliding the triplicate forms behind the rotor clamp. Checking boxes was a science in itself, lining each one up so that the striker for Capital X would land with pinpoint precision. Neatness could be a deciding factor in the admissions ordeal.

Each application posed the Race question. Some forms wanted one box checked. Others directed to check all that applied. My targets were: New York University; Wesleyan University; Sarah Lawrence College; SUNY Purchase. In cases where I had to be uni-racial, I chose black. My mother instructed me to do so. And I would have, even without her guidance. Not because I was trying to “get over”, but because black was my identity. If I had to choose a singular identity now, I would still pick black. Or “Other”, if given the option. But here we are, in 2011, and the statisticians have finally figured out to include “Multiracial” in the list. And isn’t it a beautiful thing that we each get to decide for ourselves?

According to the Times article, and the latest census data, vast numbers of multiracial people are living in our midst. It looks like my daughters will be the beneficiaries of this browning trend, and will never have to pick one race label for themselves. If they had to make a percentage-based statement, it would have to be white. But I trust they will identify as multiracial. It should be easy for them.

I am so grateful for that little line of text, “Check All That Apply”.